Counseling Students

How to Counsel Students at Camp

Church camp is always a prime time for students wanting to discuss life issues. As a leader you will probably have the opportunity to talk with a student at some time during camp, be it in your cabin, during group time or after the evening worship. Here are a few counseling tips to assist you:

Listen, listen, listen. Many times these students just need a listening ear! Their hearts, minds and emotions are so full that they need to spill out on somebody else. Don’t rush to give advice, just listen.
Ask questions. Try to get as many details as possible about the situation. Ask open ended questions to get them talking and then more specific questions. Don’t prejudge a situation before the student is finished talking. Asking questions helps you see the BIG picture and not just the emotional moments.
Don’t give lots of advice; merely connect with the student’s feelings. For example: “I can understand why you would feel that way” or “That must have been a tough time for you.” The goal is to validate their feelings, not fix them. Just because you validate their feelings doesn’t make the issue right or wrong; it lets them know you care about them.
If you feel the situation is over your head please seek advice before giving them advice. Simply tell them you’d like to seek out help before telling them what to do. You don’t want to have to come back later and change what you told them. Just admit that you don’t know but you’ll find someone that does.

Here is how you know you are dealing with a situation that you need to let someone in authority know about. If they tell you they are:

Hurting themselves
Being Hurt
Hurting others

If any of these issues arise you must tell one of our staff. Tell the student you are counseling what you are going to do. Explain to them that you are not trying to betray their confidence but that you have an obligation to their safety and you need to tell a pastor.

If you counsel a student with an issue that might be reoccurring (ex. parents’ divorce, loss of a loved one, spiritual matters, boyfriend issues, etc.), please also tell a staff member. They will keep a list of names and situations in case they need further counseling or someone in our office needs to follow up.

Keys to Asking Good Questions

Think through a series of questions. Phrase the same thing in a couple different ways. Because people think differently, at times a single truth ought to be expressed in several different ways.
Maintain eye contact. It’s more personal and encouraging.
Don’t settle for the “Right Answers.” When someone gives you a quick answer, press them to determine their confidence level—are they saying something they believe, or repeating something they’ve heard before. Ask them, “Ok, I hear what you’re saying, but what does that really mean?”
Admit confusion. You don’t know everything so don’t worry about hiding this when you’re confused.
Don’t answer your own questions.
Learn multiple sides of an issue. Consider common misapplications/misunderstandings/myths. This will help you create “healthy confusion” and present different angles on the same subject.
Be transparent. Share your inadequacies in understanding different truths.
Press into answers with “What do you mean by that?” to get a better understanding of what the student may be trying to say.

Counseling Students on Physical Abuse

Example: A student tells you their dad hits them or they’re being physically/verbally abused at home.

Initial response: Don’t jump to conclusions. Get more details before you make a judgment call on the family or parent.

Questions to ask:

When was the last time you were hit/hurt?
What were the circumstances surrounding the abuse? (dad came home drunk, student was talking back to parent, mom got angry and lashed out, etc.)
Have you ever told anyone else about this? (School counselor, friend, teacher)
Are your brothers/sisters ever hit or verbally abused?
How old were you when this first started happening?

Action Steps:

Remind the student that they are safe here at camp. They can be open and honest about anything happening to them.
Explain to the student that you need to share this with one of the Staff. Depending on the nature and timeline of the abuse, we may report it immediately or after returning from camp.
Explain that the abuse is not their fault. They didn’t do anything to deserve being treated this way. God loves them and wants them to be safe. Together, we will find a way to make that happen.
You can share the situation with a pastor privately or with the student. From there we will decide who, when and what to tell.

Counseling Students on Depression & Suicide

Example: A student tells you they are depressed and wants to kill themself or has tried in the past to commit suicide.

Initial response: Tell them you’re so glad they are at camp this week and that they had the courage to tell someone how they feel.

Questions to ask:

Why are you so sad? Are you sad all the time or just certain times of the day?
Are you eating and sleeping normally?
Are you on any special medications for depression? (The answer to this will help you know if a physician is treating them for their condition.)
What steps did they take to try and end their life?
Does anyone else know about their depression or suicide attempts? (School counselor, friend, teacher, parent)
Why did you come to camp this week? Have you felt better or less sad since you got here?

Action Steps:

Again reiterate how glad you are that they came to camp this week and shared their feelings with you.
Share with them that Satan wants nothing more than to steal their joy and make them feel like life is not worth living. John 10:10, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”
God walked this earth so he could know what it was like to live in the world. God desires for us to have an abundant life, but that only comes through a personal relationship with Him. Ask the student if they know God as their personal Lord and Savior. If they do, then tell them they are already plugged in to the power of God! The goal is to fill their heart with God’s light so they can wake up in the morning with hope. Hope comes from spending time with God in bible reading, prayer and fellowship with other believers. If they don’t know God personally then talk with them about what it means to ask Jesus into their heart.
If the student is under the care of a physician and their parents are aware then we are just here to encourage and pray for them. If you are the first person they have told, then we need to take further action. Please share the situation with a staff member.
Depression is a normal feeling for teenagers, especially in the midst of all their hormonal changes. Sometimes they just need encouragement and prayer. Medicated help or professional counseling needs to be decided upon by their parents and one of the Staff.

Counseling Students on Eating Disorders

Example: A student tells you that they have been restricting or purging their meals because they feel fat or they’re afraid of being fat.

Initial response: Tell them it takes courage to admit their issue. Don’t automatically try to combat their distorted body image by saying that they are not fat, etc. Comments about the outward appearance only reinforce the obsession with weight and body image.

Questions to ask:

How long have you been restricting or bingeing/purging?
How much do you restrict or binge/purge?
Have you ever told anyone else about this? (School counselor, friend, teacher, parents)
Are you being treated for this?
Have you been restricting/purging this week at camp?
Why did you start restricting/purging?

Action Steps:

Remind the student that they are good enough to eat, feel, etc. They can be open and honest about anything they are feeling and won’t be judged for it.
Share with them that Satan wants nothing more than to steal their joy and make them feel worthless. John 10:10, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”
Encourage them that they can have freedom from their eating disorder through the power of Christ. If they are a Christian, they are already plugged in to that power! The goal is to fill their heart with God’s love so they can wake up in the morning with hope. Hope comes from spending time with God in bible reading, prayer and fellowship with other believers. Remind them that Christ’s love is not just for those who are perfect, but it is available to everyone! If they do not know Christ personally, talk to them about what it means to ask Christ into their heart.
Affirm strengths and interests that are unrelated to appearance or food.
During meals, if you observe the student not eating, find a neutral ground away from the dining hall to talk to the student. Be careful not to sound critical or judgmental when voicing your concern. Communicate to the student your concerns about their health and safety at camp. Instead of saying, “You need to eat,” say “I am concerned about you because you refuse to eat.” Ask them what they would be willing to eat at camp.
If the student is under the care of physicians and their parents are aware, then we are just here to encourage and pray for them. If you are the first person they have talked to about this, then we need to take further action. Please share the situation with a staff member.

Counseling Students on Self-Harm & Cutting

Example: A student tells you that they have been cutting themself.

Initial response: Tell them that it takes a lot of courage to admit that they are struggling with this. (Remember that cutting is not necessarily a suicide attempt. It is an unhealthy way to cope with emotional pain, anger, or frustration.)

Questions to ask:

How long have you been cutting?
Why did you start cutting?
Does anyone know that you are cutting? (Friends, family, doctors, etc.)
Do you know anyone who cuts?
How have you dealt with these feelings in the past?/What are other ways you can deal with these feelings? (journaling, talking to friends, listening to positive music, etc.)
Have they felt better or worse while they’ve been at camp?
Have they been tempted to self-harm at camp? What was the situation?
Do you have thoughts or plans to commit suicide?

Action Steps:

Listen to the student. Stay neutral and accept their emotions.
Reaffirm that you are glad they shared this with you. Let the student know that they can share what they’re feeling and won’t be judged for it.
Share with the student that God cares for them and they can find comfort in giving their anxiety and worries over to Christ (1 Peter 5:7). If they’re a Christian, they already have the comfort of the Holy Spirit inside of them! The goal is to fill their heart with God’s love and comfort so they can wake up in the morning with hope. Hope comes from spending time with God in bible reading, prayer and fellowship with other believers. Remind them that Christ’s love isn’t just for those who are perfect, but it’s available to everyone! If they don’t know Christ personally, talk to them about what it means to ask Christ into their heart.
It might come up that they feel like God is punishing them. Ask them why they feel that way and let them know that it is ok to have angry or confused feelings of why “bad” things happen. Share with them that the “bad” things that happen are not a result of God being mad at them or their family, but a result of this fallen world.
Encourage them not to isolate themself this week.
If the student is under the care of physicians and their parents are aware, then we are just here to encourage and pray for them. If you are the first person they have talked to about this, then we need to take further action. Please share the situation with a staff member.

Counseling Students on Pornography

Example: Student tells you that they continue to look at porn and even though they know it is wrong, they just can’t help themself.

Initial Response: Thanks so much for trusting me enough to talk to me about this. I know that it isn’t easy to talk about this with somebody and it takes a lot of courage.

Questions to ask:

How long have you had this struggle?
How often do you find yourself looking at pornography?
Where/when do you look at it the most? (Computer, IPhone, IPad, TV, etc…)
Have you ever told someone else about this? (School counselor, friend, teacher, parents)

Action Steps:

Listen to their story before you try to “fix” them.
Encourage them that God does desire purity in their life and that by talking to you they have taken a major step towards purity.
Generally if they are talking to you about this they want to stop and they regret what they have done. Ask if they have asked God to forgive them for what they have done. They probably have, but if they haven’t that is a good place to start.
Read to them 1 John 1:9…when they confess their sin God forgives them totally. They do not need to walk in shame over past sins. Encourage them that Lamentations 3:22-23 says that God’s mercies are new every morning. They have a chance to start fresh. They don’t have to earn God’s love again…He loved them even in the midst of their sin.
Read Acts 3:19 and help them understand that to “repent” means to turn and walk in a new direction. This means that they need to change some things to keep from falling into this trap again.
Things they may need to change:
Have parents place a child lock on their computer/TV with a password that they don’t know.
Take the computer/TV out of their room.
Charge their phone/iPad in the kitchen overnight, so they aren’t tempted to look at it in their room.
Get accountability…is there a friend/teacher/leader/parent that they can talk to about this that can continue to keep them accountable when they get home?
Encourage them that to be tempted is not the sin. When they are tempted they can choose to resist the temptation. Have them come up with a plan for when they feel tempted. (Call a friend, leave their room if they are alone and go hang out with their family, play music, read the Bible, etc…)
If they mess up again (which they will) encourage them to ask forgiveness again, make any changes necessary and start over. If they have been looking at porn every day and they make it 3 days…that is a victory. After that shoot for a week…a month…6 months… Make sure they don’t let one failure cause them to give up.
If you feel they may need to talk to someone else about this, let them know that you will be with them, but you feel like it would be good to talk with a youth pastor about this.
Let a staff member know of your discussions with the student so that we can decide what sort of follow up is necessary.

Counseling Students on Homosexuality

Example: A girl/guy tells you that they think they might be gay because they feel an attraction to other girls/guys.

Initial Response: Tell them that it takes a lot of courage to talk to someone about these feelings.

Questions to ask:

How long have you had these feelings?
Have you talked with anyone else about these feelings? Parents?

Action Steps:

Avoid Labels: Are you gay, are you a homosexual. Rather, label the struggle: Same-sex attraction
Listen to their story before you try to “fix” them. This is a deep issue that is not going to be fully dealt with in one conversation. The fact that they are talking is good so keep the conversation going.
Ask them about their faith in God. If the student is a follower of Christ and sure about their faith your conversation will take on a different tone than if the student doesn’t have a relationship with Christ. Don’t communicate that they can’t be Christian if they have these feelings or if they have acted on these feelings. They don’t need to hear, “if you stop acting gay you can then be a Christian, but if you won’t then you can’t be a Christian.” If that is the case every guy that just can’t stop looking at porn is not a Christian. And every leader that can’t get over being selfish cannot be a Christian. Remember we are dealing with young students. They are a work in progress. They are not finished. If they have made a decision for Christ in the past then it is good news because we can trust the Holy Spirit to lead them.
Communicate that the Bible does say that while Homosexual acts are sin, (Leviticus 18:22; Romans 1:25-28; 1 Corinthians 6:9-10) it is no worse or better than other sins. For example…heterosexual lust is no better than homosexual lust, both are sin. Having sex outside of marriage in a homosexual relationship or a heterosexual relationship is wrong.
Help them see that thinking a person of the same sex is “cute” or “hot” does not automatically mean they are gay. And to think that is not a sin. It may be a temptation towards sin, but it is not a sin.
If you find that they just don’t think it could be wrong because it is “natural” , remind them that lying, cheating, and lust all come “naturally” to people, but as followers of Christ He has given us the power to resist those sins.
If they have stumbled in this area make sure they understand that past failures do not have to define them for the rest of their lives. Because they have been attracted to the same sex before does not mean they are forever gay. Because they have acted in a homosexual manner in the past does not mean they are forever gay. Many students feel that if they have “kissed a girl” they just are gay. And the world around them encourages that. As a follower of Christ though we see that God offers grace and forgiveness and makes change possible through a deepening walk with Christ!
As you finish talking let them know that you would like to go with them to talk with one of the youth pastors. Let them know that you will go with them to support them. Set up a time with one of our pastors to talk and we can help with the next steps for them.
Pray for them before you leave.